ah married life

3 women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting
about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....that night
all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stiletto's and a mask over their eyes .

After a few days they meet again.....

The engaged girlfriend: 'the other night, when my boyfriend came back
home, he found me with the leather bodice, 12 cms stilettos and mask.
He saw me he said: 'you are the woman of my life, I love you'...then we
made love all night long

The mistress: Ah! me too, the other night I met my lover in the office
and I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes
and a raincoat, when I opened the raincoat... he did not say anything.....
but we had wild s-x all night

The married one: 'the other night I sent the kids to stay at my
Mothers for the night, I got myself ready: leather bodice, super
stilettos and mask over my eyes....my husband comes back from work,
opens the door and says:


'Alright Batman, what's for dinner?'

Natal Curry Contest.If you can read this whole story without laughing then there is no hope for you. I was crying by the end. Note: please take time to read this slowly. For those of you who have lived in Natal, you know how typical this is. They actually have a curry cook-off about June/July. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Royal Show in PMB.Judge 3 was an inexperienced food critic named Frank, who was visiting from America. Frank: 'Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a Curry Cook off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Beer Garden when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Natal Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted'. Here are the scorecard notes from the event.CURRY 1 - SEELAN'S MANIAC MONSTER TOMATO CURRY Judge 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick. Judge 2 -- Nice smooth tomato flavour. Very mild. Judge 3 (Frank) -- Holy sh*t, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy. CURRY 2 - PHOENIX BBQ CHICKEN CURRY Judge 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of chicken. Slight chilli tang. Judge 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. Judge 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre! They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. CURRY 3 - SHAMILA'S FAMOUS 'BURN DOWN THE GARAGE' CURRY Judge 1 -- Excellent firehouse curry. Great kick. Judge 2 -- A bit salty, good use of chilli peppers. Judge 3 -- Call 911. I've located a uranium pill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drain Cleaner. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting p*ssed from all the beer. CURRY 4 - BABOO'S BLACK MAGIC BEAN CURRY Judge 1 -- Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing. Judge 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a curry. Judge 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Shareen, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 200kg woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chilli an aphrodisiac? CURRY 5 - LALL'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER Judge 1 -- Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. Judge 2 -- Average beef curry, could use more tomato. Must admit the chilli peppers make a strong statement. Judge 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli had given me brain damage. Shareen saved my tongue from bleeding by pouringbeer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really p*sses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Scr*w them. CURRY 6 - VERISHNEE'S VEGETARIAN VARIETY Judge 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spices and peppers. Judge 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb. Judge 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I am definitely going to sh*t myself if I fart and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Shareen. Can't feel my lips anymore I need to wipe my ar*e with a snow cone ice-cream. CURRY 7 - SELINA'S 'MOTHER-IN-LAW'S-TONGUE' CURRY Judge 1 -- A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers. Judge 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment. (I should take note at this stage that I am worried about Judge 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably). Judge 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least, during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing - it's too painful. Scr*w it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach. CURRY
8 - NAIDOO'S TOENAIL CURLING CURRY Judge 1 -- The perfect ending. This is a nice blend curry. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced curry. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge 3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor man, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot curry? Judge 3 - No Report

smart arse answers

6th Place It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane: 'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row. 'What are my choices?' the man asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.
====================================================================== 5th 5Place A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without blinking an eyelid she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.'
====================================================================== 4th 4Place A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury's but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a passing assistant, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'The assistant replied, ' I'm afraid not, they're dead.'

3rd Place The policeman got out of his car and approached the boy racer he stopped for speeding. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the bobby said. The kid replied, 'Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.' When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
======================================================================
2nd Place
A lorry driver was driving along on a country road. A sign came up that read ' Low Bridge Ahead.' Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up.The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab And said to the driver, 'Got stuck, eh?' The lorry driver said, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol!'

1st Place and 'Smart Arse Answer of the year 2007' A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being heretomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!' A smart-arsed guy at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said
....>
> ........>
> .......>
> ......>
> .....>
> 'Well, I suppose you'd have to write with your other hand'.

angel

lessons in nutrition

In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, with green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.Then using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Ice Cream and Magnums. And Satan said, 'You want hot fudge with that? And Man said, 'Yes!' And Woman said, 'I'll have one too with chocolate chips'. And so they gained 10 pounds.And God created the healthy yoghurt that woman might keep the figure that man found so fair.And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 12 to size 14.So God said, 'Try my fresh green salad'. And Satan presented Blue Cheese dressing and garlic croutons on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.God then said 'I have sent you healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them'.And Satan brought forth deep fried coconut king prawns, butter-dipped lobster chunks and chicken fried steak, so big it needed its own platter, and Man's cholesterol went through the roof.Then God brought forth the potato; naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition.Then Satan peeled off the healthy skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep-fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt. And Man put on more pounds. God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra pounds.And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits.Then God gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.And Satan created McDonalds and the 99p double cheeseburger. Then Satan said 'You want fries with that?' and Man replied, 'Yes, and super size 'em'. And Satan said, 'It is good.' And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.God sighed ......... and created quadruple by-pass surgery.And then ............ Satan chuckled and created the National Health Service.THE FINAL WORD ON NUTRITIONAfter an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the final word on nutrition and health.:1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.6. The French eat foie-gras, full fat cheese and drink red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than usCONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

inner peace

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we all could use more calm in our lives.
By following the simple advice I heard on a Medical TV show, I have finally found inner peace.
A Doctor proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.
So I looked around my house to see things I started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vocka, the last of the whisky, hic, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a bax a cholates.
Yu haf no idr who gud I fel.
Peas sen dis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov inr pece!

welcome

hi everyone